redemption

"4 am is a great time of night. The day before is long dead, but the morning is yet to come. All the commotion from the night before has died down, and every sane, upstanding citizen is asleep. It's a great time to go for a walk. You've got the planet to yourself for an hour or so... so peaceful. Even the stars look different, waiting for the dawn. I feel the same way the stars do sometimes. Anticipating... the night is nearly over; the day is almost here.

i swear we were infinite...

I'm finally reading 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower,' a book that I've heard for a long time that I just HAD to read, and now that I'm finally reading it, I understand why. One quote that really struck me is the description of a moment of perfection... with the words, "and in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

Wow. That simple sentence holds so much meaning. It made me think of those 'infinite' moments that I have experienced, and I decided to journal about an experience that still feels infinite to me, in my recollection of it.


The tranquil water stood still, reflecting the moonlight. The soft candlelight flickered across the dock, and cast a silvery glow across the lake. The stars shone in their dazzling spectacle, in this oasis far from the city lights... far from human touch.... far from worries and complications... I sat up and pulled the blanket up around my shoulders. I forgot how cold summer nights could be. Yet, surrounded by those who meant the most to me, I felt so comfortable... embraced in the warmth of the knowledge that I was exactly where I was meant to be. I laid back down and stared at the stars that weren't blocked by the branches above us. How did I get here? What did I do that was so great to deserve this? In that moment, I felt that God was so close that I could touch Him. Surrounded by the beauty of God's creation, I could feel the power all around me, and yet within me all at once. No where I would rather have been. We embraced, and prayed together... shared our innermost secrets, and fears, and dreams. We stared at the sky and the moon and listened to the sounds of summer nights. The wind gently moved across us, and I felt so alive. Thank you, God. For everything; All of this... I had never felt so at peace. It's the quiet moments, the simple times that make me feel like this.. It's those times that make us who we are. The infinite moments build us...

who we are is enough

I'm reading this really incredibly book called, 'The Dance,' and the part I just read last night talks about self-acceptance and really embracing who we are made to be. It was exactly what I was thinking about last night.

"The question is not why are we so infrequently the people we really want to be. The question is why do we so infrequently want to be the people we really are.

Because you have no faith that who you are is enough. But it is... who you really are is enough."

That is such a simple idea, but something we so rarely understand and accept. I think if we keep reminding ourselves of this basic fact - that who we really are is enough - then we will be a much happier world.

being happy with who i am

so lately i've been feeling pretty critical about myself. this semester, i've put on a pretty solid amount of weight. and in theory, that's a good thing. i'm healthy! my body is finally in full recovery, and it is loving life. i also stopped drinking, and so the weight i've put on isn't the typical freshman fifteen beer weight, but actually 'me being healthy and eating like a normal person' weight. it is a good sign.


but although i recognize all of that intuitively, it is hard to convince myself of that on a day to day basis. don't get me wrong, i know i'm not overweight. far from it. and i eat like it's my job, because i absolutely love food. it's one of my favorite hobbies. but no matter how thin and fit i know i am, when my once self confidence-boosting loose jeans are starting to get tight, i feel awful about myself. i'm pretty pro with the negative self-talk, and although it's absolutely ridiculous to get upset about my size 1 gap jeans being just a bit tighter than they were last week, it's my reality.

i talked about all this with one of my really close friends tonight, who has been feeling similarly, even though she, likewise is incredibly in shape (a fellow marathoner) and one of the most beautiful girls i know. and we decided this needs to stop. we're going to turn it around. because, in reality, we're beautiful, healthy, strong women who deserve to acknowledge what god gave us. and so, here's why i decided i love my body:

1. it has been through SO much. my battle scars are evidence enough of how hard my body has hung in there against seemingly insurmountable circumstances.
2. it is strong. the amount of marathons these legs have carried me through is absolutely incredible. it's a real fighter.
3. it is soft and cuddly in all the right places, and it allows me to give some pretty great hugs.
4. i can look pretty darn cute when i try (which granted, is not all the time, judging from tonight's fabulous ensemble of sweatpants and a huge peer ministry t-shirt, but sometimes comfort is all that matters).
5. this is the body god gave me. and i'm going to use it, and love it, and cherish it, and treat it like it were truly the god-given gift it is.

<3

easter

thought of the day, from an amazing easter homily on cape cod...

"if it seems like God is far away, then who moved - you or God?"

we are the boss

quote from my page-a-day calendar for today:

"no matter how nicely we ask, if we are the boss, we are the bitch. the important thing to remember is, we are the boss."

love

In my Chinese literature class today, we read an interview of Eileen Chang, a well-known Chinese author during the Cultural Revolution, and one quote really stood out for me... in fact, I've been thinking about it ALL day. It's one of those quotes.

"If it's love, you don't ask if it's worth it or not."

How cool?! So simple, but so true... on so many levels. Here are my thoughts. First, after hearing this quote, I thought about the friendships and relationships in my life. And that idea makes a lot of sense. I would do anything for my good friends and family. There are no justifications or reasons necessary... it's just love, pure and simple.

Later, I got to thinking about this quote in terms of my relationship with God. This is the perfect statement of faith. First of all, loving God. If it is truly perfect love - a truly dedicated relationship with God, you don't ask if it's worth it or not. Lately, I've been having a rough time waking up on Sunday mornings to make it to mass... I don't really enjoy the masses in town, and so I find myself thinking a lot, 'is it worth it?' And so this quote is kinda perfect.

Also, as I'm writing this, I just realized that this quote also perfectly describes God's love for us. As part of the Lenten reflection sort of mood I'm supposed to be in, this totally works. God loves us so much that he gave his son to die for us - and never once asked if it was worth it. He knew it was. It was worth the life of his only son to save a bunch of people he never met... who mess up all the time, and continually make the same dumb mistakes, and turn away from his love... but he loves us SO much that it was worth it anyway. In fact, the thought of us being 'worthy' never even crossed his mind. We are that loved.