Until a little while ago, I thought I had my life figured out. I knew exactly what I wanted, and where I was going. And that was comforting. No worries. But now, things have changed. The more I take risks, the more I'm discovering that there is a whole wide world of opportunities out there, and the options are limitless. Now I have no idea what I want from life, but somehow that idea is even more comforting than before. Okay, a little scary at the same time... since the idea of living in a box after graduation would probably not thrill my parents after a 120,000 dollar college investment, but then again, it's my life. And I'm going to live it.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
the great unknown
Until a little while ago, I thought I had my life figured out. I knew exactly what I wanted, and where I was going. And that was comforting. No worries. But now, things have changed. The more I take risks, the more I'm discovering that there is a whole wide world of opportunities out there, and the options are limitless. Now I have no idea what I want from life, but somehow that idea is even more comforting than before. Okay, a little scary at the same time... since the idea of living in a box after graduation would probably not thrill my parents after a 120,000 dollar college investment, but then again, it's my life. And I'm going to live it.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
blink
I just finished reading a really interesting book called 'Blink,' which discusses the psychology behind intuition and snap judgments. It cites cases from all different fields - from tennis, to criminology, to art, to autism - to show how many times we make better decisions when we focus only on our intuition, or that 'gut feeling' we get when exposed to a situation in the first few seconds - as long as it takes us to blink. More often than not, when we are exposed to all of the details of a situation, and our knowledge of that situation increases, our ability to make a good decision decreases. The book gave dozens of examples of this thought process, as well as studying people who are known for intuitive decision-making, such as fire-fighters, police officers, military, and Wall Street traders, who are all in situations where important decisions need to be made quickly and often based upon little information.
One case cited was the United States' war games of 2002, called the Millenium Challenge. In this hypothetical situation, an extremely anti-American terrorist leader was hiding in the Middle East, and posing a threat to U.S. national security. Sound familiar? That's because these war games were essentially the testing ground for the Iraq War. To test strategy, military officials were split into two groups - the Blue Team, which represented the U.S. government, and the Red Team, which represented the Middle Eastern terrorists. The Blue Team was provided with incredibly advanced and technical information about the enemy - psychological evaluations, military positions and strategy, and entire databases describing every available detail about the terrorist organization's military setup. The Red Team, under the guidance of a well-known military general operated under the strategy of intuition and spontaneity. Although their leader was incredibly well-educated in military theory, they operated based on very little information - essentially flying blind. And over the course of several months, as the war games played out, the Red Team succeeded in destroying every U.S. stronghold, assassinating political leaders allied with the U.S., eventually ending in complete defeat for the Blue Team. The government was in shock. Years of military information technology research had resulted in nothing - and had in fact weakened their military position. After an assessment period, the Department of Defense, in typical American fashion, destroyed the results, and called for a 'redo' of the games - this time, with the Red Team operating predictably according to a script, ending, of course, with a Blue Team victory. Then the U.S. confidently went to war, satisfied that their information technologies were indeed proven to be the best military strategy. Unfortunately, as we've seen over the past few years, that's not how the real world works. Success is often determined, not by an overload of information, but by the ability to act quickly and respond to changes in stimuli with gut reactions.
Today, I was thinking about how accurate this theory is in my own life, and what came to mind was something that I've been working through during the past year or so. I trusted someone completely - he was the person I went to with my deepest secrets, and asked for advice on all the most important decisions, and considered to be one of my greatest role models. We became very close friends, and it got to the point where not a day went by that we didn't talk. My closest friends watched what was happening, and were concerned. They knew this could be heading nowhere good - based on what they saw, and what I told them, this was downright scary. But I ignored that. They didn't know him. They didn't have the relationship that I had with him. I knew the most intimate details of his life, and I knew every aspect of his personality. There couldn't be a problem. But of course, there was. And I never saw it coming. I think this is the sort of situation that 'Blink' is talking about. I was too close to the situation. I was surrounded by too much information - emotions and details that kept me from seeing the underlying and basic truth - that there was something very wrong. My friends, on the other hand, were more removed from the situation, and thus only knew the basic details, and this was enough to make an instinctual decision, and ultimately the right one.
So maybe too much information isn't always better. Maybe the whole idea of a well-informed decision is a contradiction. And instead, sometimes maybe we should just learn to listen to our hearts.
One case cited was the United States' war games of 2002, called the Millenium Challenge. In this hypothetical situation, an extremely anti-American terrorist leader was hiding in the Middle East, and posing a threat to U.S. national security. Sound familiar? That's because these war games were essentially the testing ground for the Iraq War. To test strategy, military officials were split into two groups - the Blue Team, which represented the U.S. government, and the Red Team, which represented the Middle Eastern terrorists. The Blue Team was provided with incredibly advanced and technical information about the enemy - psychological evaluations, military positions and strategy, and entire databases describing every available detail about the terrorist organization's military setup. The Red Team, under the guidance of a well-known military general operated under the strategy of intuition and spontaneity. Although their leader was incredibly well-educated in military theory, they operated based on very little information - essentially flying blind. And over the course of several months, as the war games played out, the Red Team succeeded in destroying every U.S. stronghold, assassinating political leaders allied with the U.S., eventually ending in complete defeat for the Blue Team. The government was in shock. Years of military information technology research had resulted in nothing - and had in fact weakened their military position. After an assessment period, the Department of Defense, in typical American fashion, destroyed the results, and called for a 'redo' of the games - this time, with the Red Team operating predictably according to a script, ending, of course, with a Blue Team victory. Then the U.S. confidently went to war, satisfied that their information technologies were indeed proven to be the best military strategy. Unfortunately, as we've seen over the past few years, that's not how the real world works. Success is often determined, not by an overload of information, but by the ability to act quickly and respond to changes in stimuli with gut reactions.
Today, I was thinking about how accurate this theory is in my own life, and what came to mind was something that I've been working through during the past year or so. I trusted someone completely - he was the person I went to with my deepest secrets, and asked for advice on all the most important decisions, and considered to be one of my greatest role models. We became very close friends, and it got to the point where not a day went by that we didn't talk. My closest friends watched what was happening, and were concerned. They knew this could be heading nowhere good - based on what they saw, and what I told them, this was downright scary. But I ignored that. They didn't know him. They didn't have the relationship that I had with him. I knew the most intimate details of his life, and I knew every aspect of his personality. There couldn't be a problem. But of course, there was. And I never saw it coming. I think this is the sort of situation that 'Blink' is talking about. I was too close to the situation. I was surrounded by too much information - emotions and details that kept me from seeing the underlying and basic truth - that there was something very wrong. My friends, on the other hand, were more removed from the situation, and thus only knew the basic details, and this was enough to make an instinctual decision, and ultimately the right one.
So maybe too much information isn't always better. Maybe the whole idea of a well-informed decision is a contradiction. And instead, sometimes maybe we should just learn to listen to our hearts.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
love is all you need
After an amazing discussion tonight at our campus ministry meeting, I am still in such a pensive kind of mood, so I decided to blog and sort of think through what we talked about tonight...
So, the topic of our discussion tonight was the mass. Simple enough, right? But not really, it ends up. Mike, our campus minister asked us to think about why mass is so important. Why is mass so vitally necessary that the church calls it a mortal sin to miss a Sunday service? What sets mass apart from everything else in the Catholic tradition?
My first thought was that mass for me is a place to recharge for the week ahead, and to regain that focus on God that gets lost so easily in the craziness of day-to-day life. To recommit myself to living a God-centered life, and to get my priorities back in order. But then I had to think... if that were the most important reason for mass, then why can't we go it alone? Why is it so important that we all gather together in church to celebrate mass?
Well, here's the conclusion we came to... not like there's a definite answer to any of these questions, but rather more of a work-in-progress thought process. But the first part of our answer was thinking about the meaning of life (how philosophical, right?). What is the meaning of life? Well, God. If God should be the center of our lives, then certainly he should be the meaning behind life. And we know that God is love. So I think we can settle on the idea that the meaning of life... is love. To love ourselves, and to love one another, just as God loves us. Pretty simple so far, but a way cool idea.
Thinking about this a little further, people yearn to be loved. I would argue it is a basic necessity, at times even more important than food or water, or shelter. To be loved, and to love in return. It's how we survive. I think what people search for is to be loved without judgment, completely and without reservation. The kind of love that accepts a person for who they are - all of their faults and weaknesses, and for all of the quirks that make them uniquely them. A unwavering love despite anything they have done, or could ever do. That's pretty powerful. I would argue that no matter how much we try, we can come close to loving someone else as deeply as this, but I'm not sure we can ever achieve this absolutely perfect love. I think only God can. And amazingly enough, God offers us this kind of love that we so desperately yearn for in the mass. He offers us himself, and his son, and a perfect acceptance of everything we are and will become, because we are created in his image, and he has given everything to give us life.
So, I think we closed in on an answer, at least a temporary one. Mass is a time to receive the love we are looking for, and to receive it so abundantly that we are rejuvenated and that meaning is given to our lives. And maybe, as our hearts begin to overflow with all of this amazing love that God is giving us, we can start giving it out in return - to others, and back to God in the mass. I guess, it all boils down to something the Beatles discovered long ago...
"All you need is love; love is all you need."
So, the topic of our discussion tonight was the mass. Simple enough, right? But not really, it ends up. Mike, our campus minister asked us to think about why mass is so important. Why is mass so vitally necessary that the church calls it a mortal sin to miss a Sunday service? What sets mass apart from everything else in the Catholic tradition?
My first thought was that mass for me is a place to recharge for the week ahead, and to regain that focus on God that gets lost so easily in the craziness of day-to-day life. To recommit myself to living a God-centered life, and to get my priorities back in order. But then I had to think... if that were the most important reason for mass, then why can't we go it alone? Why is it so important that we all gather together in church to celebrate mass?
Well, here's the conclusion we came to... not like there's a definite answer to any of these questions, but rather more of a work-in-progress thought process. But the first part of our answer was thinking about the meaning of life (how philosophical, right?). What is the meaning of life? Well, God. If God should be the center of our lives, then certainly he should be the meaning behind life. And we know that God is love. So I think we can settle on the idea that the meaning of life... is love. To love ourselves, and to love one another, just as God loves us. Pretty simple so far, but a way cool idea.
Thinking about this a little further, people yearn to be loved. I would argue it is a basic necessity, at times even more important than food or water, or shelter. To be loved, and to love in return. It's how we survive. I think what people search for is to be loved without judgment, completely and without reservation. The kind of love that accepts a person for who they are - all of their faults and weaknesses, and for all of the quirks that make them uniquely them. A unwavering love despite anything they have done, or could ever do. That's pretty powerful. I would argue that no matter how much we try, we can come close to loving someone else as deeply as this, but I'm not sure we can ever achieve this absolutely perfect love. I think only God can. And amazingly enough, God offers us this kind of love that we so desperately yearn for in the mass. He offers us himself, and his son, and a perfect acceptance of everything we are and will become, because we are created in his image, and he has given everything to give us life.
So, I think we closed in on an answer, at least a temporary one. Mass is a time to receive the love we are looking for, and to receive it so abundantly that we are rejuvenated and that meaning is given to our lives. And maybe, as our hearts begin to overflow with all of this amazing love that God is giving us, we can start giving it out in return - to others, and back to God in the mass. I guess, it all boils down to something the Beatles discovered long ago...
"All you need is love; love is all you need."
live out loud
So, I found two amazing quotes today, and I think they actually fit together really well, and sort of sum up what I have been thinking about today.
“Leaders are visionaries with a poorly developed sense of fear and no concept of the odds against them. They make the impossible happen.”
"You know the Greeks didn't write obituaries. They only asked one question after a man died: "Did he have passion?" (Serendipity)
In the past few days, life has presented me with some really incredible opportunities, and a lot of potential for the future. It is one of those weeks where I feel like things are starting to come together, and that there really is a plan out there for me somewhere. Maybe God doesn't just intend for me to be able to ask customers if they want fries with that in five different languages (although it is always a good backup plan if need be!) So, after yet another amazing day today, I'm totally pumped up. I feel like I really can change the world... touch people's lives... give back for the many ways I have been blessed in life. It's been one of those days where the obstacles that used to block my path have faded into the distance, and I'm staring at a wide open road, with nothing between me and my wildest dreams. And I'm ready to follow that path, with everything I've got.
“Leaders are visionaries with a poorly developed sense of fear and no concept of the odds against them. They make the impossible happen.”
"You know the Greeks didn't write obituaries. They only asked one question after a man died: "Did he have passion?" (Serendipity)
In the past few days, life has presented me with some really incredible opportunities, and a lot of potential for the future. It is one of those weeks where I feel like things are starting to come together, and that there really is a plan out there for me somewhere. Maybe God doesn't just intend for me to be able to ask customers if they want fries with that in five different languages (although it is always a good backup plan if need be!) So, after yet another amazing day today, I'm totally pumped up. I feel like I really can change the world... touch people's lives... give back for the many ways I have been blessed in life. It's been one of those days where the obstacles that used to block my path have faded into the distance, and I'm staring at a wide open road, with nothing between me and my wildest dreams. And I'm ready to follow that path, with everything I've got.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
letting down your guard
I really liked this quote, and it got me thinking today. It's from Grey's Anatomy, as all good quotes are :)
"Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn’t just about being tough. It’s about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don’t have to be tough every minute of every day. It’s okay to let down your guard. In fact there are moments when it’s the best thing you can possibly do… as long as you choose your moments wisely."
I think I got to this point last night. I was literally all out of toughness and hardcoreness. My (new) laptop crashed four times, and I lost the essay I was working on... four times in a row. Super, right? And then, my printer decided it would be an opportune time to start printing test pages instead of my homework... five test pages to be exact. Like seriously? On top of the absolutely crazy-packed, stressful day I had just had, and the one coming up, I was starting to lose it. That's where this quote comes in I thing. Acceptance. I'm WAY over-scheduled and over-committed and I say 'yes' to way too many people. I think I need to start realizing that I only do have 24 hours in a day, and it would be nice if a few of those hours could be used for such luxuries as sleeping and eating! And so... during my break between classes, instead of a last-minute cramming session or working on my everlasting volunteer project, I'm relaxing! I'm in bed, journaling, and about to break out a coloring book with my roommate. And you know what? It feels pretty great.
"Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn’t just about being tough. It’s about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don’t have to be tough every minute of every day. It’s okay to let down your guard. In fact there are moments when it’s the best thing you can possibly do… as long as you choose your moments wisely."
I think I got to this point last night. I was literally all out of toughness and hardcoreness. My (new) laptop crashed four times, and I lost the essay I was working on... four times in a row. Super, right? And then, my printer decided it would be an opportune time to start printing test pages instead of my homework... five test pages to be exact. Like seriously? On top of the absolutely crazy-packed, stressful day I had just had, and the one coming up, I was starting to lose it. That's where this quote comes in I thing. Acceptance. I'm WAY over-scheduled and over-committed and I say 'yes' to way too many people. I think I need to start realizing that I only do have 24 hours in a day, and it would be nice if a few of those hours could be used for such luxuries as sleeping and eating! And so... during my break between classes, instead of a last-minute cramming session or working on my everlasting volunteer project, I'm relaxing! I'm in bed, journaling, and about to break out a coloring book with my roommate. And you know what? It feels pretty great.
Monday, January 14, 2008
disney marathon '08
So I saw a quote on someone's t-shirt this weekend that sums up really well the entire marathoning experience, as well as my weekend.
"At mile 20 I thought I was dead
At mile 22 I wished I was dead
At mile 24 I knew I was dead
At mile 26.2 I knew nothing could kill me."
I think that says it all. I can barely walk now and and pretty impressively drugged up, but I'm super proud of me, and amazed that I finished all 39.3 miles. What a weekend!
"At mile 20 I thought I was dead
At mile 22 I wished I was dead
At mile 24 I knew I was dead
At mile 26.2 I knew nothing could kill me."
I think that says it all. I can barely walk now and and pretty impressively drugged up, but I'm super proud of me, and amazed that I finished all 39.3 miles. What a weekend!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
falling apart
"i believe that everything happens for a reason. people change so that you can learn to let go. things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right... and sometimes, good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."
-marilyn monroe
-marilyn monroe
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
niceness detox
for Christmas, one of my closest friends got me a page-a-day calendar called 'getting in touch with your inner bitch,' and said that this would be a good project for the new year. although it was half a joke present, i'm actually really intrigued by the quotes and tips that the calendar gives. today's page had a 'niceness detox tip' that said, "whether you call it toxic niceness, "the disease to please," or "nurturing," the bottom line is that when we suffer from it, everyone gets more out of our lives than we do. getting in touch with your inner bitch is the cure."
so... my question to ponder for the day is, is that true? a good part of me thinks it is. sometimes i can't remember the last time i did something just because i wanted to, or something completely and totally for me. and that can get pretty tiring sometimes. i remember a priest from st. mary's who told us once that life is like those announcements about emergency situations on an airplane. you need to put on your own mask before helping others with theirs. same with life. you can't take care of other people unless you yourself are taken care of first. it's definitely an interesting, and true idea.
but... is that really a good model for living? i'm not sure. i tend to think that it is much better to give than to receive, and that by brightening someone else's day, you will receive the same satisfaction. it makes me wonder if maybe other people getting more out of our lives than us isn't as big of a problem as it sounds. for example, i was thinking about this while volunteering at the hospital this morning. five hours of essentially chaos, from 7 am until 12 pm, running all the 'behind the scenes' responsibilities as well as making sure the patients are happy and well-cared for. by the end, i'm completely beat. but i find a sort of satisfaction in that, walking home, and knowing that i have given absolutely everything that is in me that morning. i worked with some truly amazing patients - an immigrant from darfur, a woman who was recovering from a quadruple bypass, and so many more. and it made me really happy that i was able to lighten their load just a bit with a smile and encouraging words.
maybe giving it all isn't a bad thing after all. looking at how greatly we are blessed with the lives we lead and the friends around us, it makes me think that if everyone suffered from this disease they call 'toxic niceness,' this world might just be a better place.
so... my question to ponder for the day is, is that true? a good part of me thinks it is. sometimes i can't remember the last time i did something just because i wanted to, or something completely and totally for me. and that can get pretty tiring sometimes. i remember a priest from st. mary's who told us once that life is like those announcements about emergency situations on an airplane. you need to put on your own mask before helping others with theirs. same with life. you can't take care of other people unless you yourself are taken care of first. it's definitely an interesting, and true idea.
but... is that really a good model for living? i'm not sure. i tend to think that it is much better to give than to receive, and that by brightening someone else's day, you will receive the same satisfaction. it makes me wonder if maybe other people getting more out of our lives than us isn't as big of a problem as it sounds. for example, i was thinking about this while volunteering at the hospital this morning. five hours of essentially chaos, from 7 am until 12 pm, running all the 'behind the scenes' responsibilities as well as making sure the patients are happy and well-cared for. by the end, i'm completely beat. but i find a sort of satisfaction in that, walking home, and knowing that i have given absolutely everything that is in me that morning. i worked with some truly amazing patients - an immigrant from darfur, a woman who was recovering from a quadruple bypass, and so many more. and it made me really happy that i was able to lighten their load just a bit with a smile and encouraging words.
maybe giving it all isn't a bad thing after all. looking at how greatly we are blessed with the lives we lead and the friends around us, it makes me think that if everyone suffered from this disease they call 'toxic niceness,' this world might just be a better place.
Monday, January 7, 2008
new year's resolutions
finally, based on the inspiration from my oh-so-wise friend amy, i've decided this is something i need to do. i cannot even begin to count how many blogs and journals i have started, and abandoned after the first couple of weeks. it's pretty impressive really... but last christmas, amy made me a journal, and i've been doing a pretty good job of keeping it up, and i decided that this should be the next step... so here goes one more new year's resolution! one that i'm actually going to keep. i promise. so hold me to that... and we'll just see what happens!
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